Should a married person have a close friend of the opposite sex?

Genesis 2:23-24 describes the creation of marriage with verse 24 revealing the closeness of relationship that a husband and wife share: “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” The marriage relationship is to be honored as the most significant, yet a husband and wife will still have other relationships. Should married men and women only have relationships with those of the same sex? Is it sinful for a married person to have a close friend of the opposite sex?

God designed marriage to be a unique union between a man and a woman in a covenant for life. God’s design for marriage includes sex, the consummation of that union, which is to be experienced only between a married man and woman. Any sexual expression outside the marriage covenant is sin. Yet, God calls believers to have meaningful relationships in the body of Christ. Married or single, male or female, believers are called to have relationships—same sex and opposite sex—that reflect Christ to the world by our love for one another (John 13:35).

Believers are a family (Ephesians 2:19), and God calls us into meaningful relationships with each other. Our love for one another is governed by loving God and loving each other as brothers and sisters in Christ (1 Timothy 5:1–2). The Bible speaks of the value of friends (Proverbs 18:24; 27:17; Ecclesiastes 4:9) and gives us dozens of “one another” commands showing us how to relate to each another. We are called to love one another (John 13:34; Romans 13:8), serve one another (Galatians 5:13), encourage one another (1 Thessalonians 4:18), and spur one another on toward love and good deeds (Hebrews 10:24). These instructions are for all believers, not simply those of the same sex.

At the same time, having a close friend of the opposite sex has led many into sin. First Corinthians 6:16 instructs us to “flee from sexual immorality,” and Ephesians 5:3 declares that there “must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, impurity, or greed” among us. These are strong warnings. The many failures of men and women of God over the centuries reveal the reason God warned so clearly of the dangers of temptation in opposite-gender relationships.

What should be the response then? Should a married person not have any close friends of the opposite sex? Clearly, it is not God’s will for us to cut ourselves off from meaningful relationships with 50 percent of the world’s population the moment we get married. Still, there are clear barriers that should not be trespassed, and it is wise to not even come close to those barriers.

Some have chosen to live by what is commonly known as the “Billy Graham rule” of not allowing yourself to ever be alone with a member of the opposite sex other than your spouse or an immediate family member. This is a good option and will surely minimize opportunities for temptation and/or accusations. For this reason, many pastors and counselors avoid meeting alone with a member of the opposite sex. They ask an additional person to be present in the room, and, if the door must be closed, they make sure the room has a window. Setting such personal boundaries is wise, and having rules that go beyond the scriptural prohibition is likely the right decision for some.

Care should be taken, though, that following personal rules does not result in legalism. The biblical commands are “Do not commit adultery” and “Flee temptation.” However, there is a difference between explicit commands and personal applications. “Never, under any circumstance, be alone with a person of the opposite sex” is not a biblical command. Neither is “Never be vulnerable or have any degree of emotional intimacy with a person of the opposite sex.” Developing biblical convictions that work for us is good and right. But they may not be the same convictions that God desires for everyone else. Our personal convictions should not be treated as if they were universal biblical commands.

For those in Christian leadership, even more care should be taken. Christian leaders are to be “above reproach” and have a “good reputation with outsiders” (1 Timothy 3:1–7). Accusations, even when proven false, can have a devastating impact on a ministry. Therefore, ministers should do everything possible to not give anyone an opportunity to slander (Matthew 5:11; 1 Peter 3:16). Keeping that in mind, 1 Peter 5:1 instructs elders to shepherd the flock, not half of the flock. Can a flock truly thrive if half of the sheep lack meaningful contact with the shepherd?

With all that said, here are some principles to consider:

• We have to stop looking at people of the opposite sex as potential objects to fulfill our lusts. Men and women are to relate to each other in meaningful and appropriate ways. We are to see those of the opposite sex as fellow bearers of God’s image (Genesis 1:26–27) and believers of the opposite sex as our brothers or sisters.

• If married, we have to give our spouse priority in all relationships (Genesis 2:24). We should never seek to get something from an opposite-sex friend that we are not receiving from our spouse. We must always be open and honest with our spouse regarding our relationships—all of them, not just those that involve the opposite sex. If your spouse has concerns about a relationship, take those concerns seriously.

• While we must be careful to not even give the “appearance of evil” (1 Thessalonians 5:22), we can’t constantly worry about how everything might be misperceived by others. Romans 14:4 declares, “Who are you to judge someone else’s servant? To their own master, servants stand or fall. And they will stand, for the Lord is able to make them stand.” We must live above approach and seek to please God not man (1 Thessalonians 2:4).

• Men and women are different. If you only spend time with people of the same sex, you run the risk of creating an echo chamber. It is important to have meaningful relationships with members of the opposite sex. They will see different things in and about you. They will encourage, love, serve, and spur you differently. They may even notice areas of needed change that your spouse has grown accustomed to—or that you’ve ignored when your spouse pointed them out.

The Bible clearly calls us to have meaningful relationships in the body of Christ. We will be spending eternity worshiping and serving God together. Male and female are one in Christ (Galatians 3:28). Yes, we should set safeguards to protect our reputation. Absolutely, we must flee temptation. But impactful relationships in the body of Christ, male and female, married or single, can be beneficial, edifying, encouraging, and most importantly, honoring and glorifying to God.

God bless you!

Is opposite sex friendship is ok?

THE BILLY GRAHAM RULE: SHOULD YOU HAVE OPPOSITE-SEX FRIENDSHIP

God wants us to have friends. And that can include having opposite-sex friendships. But those friendships should come with boundaries.

In This Series:

• 1. Should You Have Opposite-Sex Friendships — or Vacation With Someone of the Opposite Sex?
• 2. One Christian Woman’s Response to Vice President Pence’s Commitment to Follow the Billy Graham Rule

In 2017 when Vice President Mike Pence said that he never spends time alone with a woman who’s not his wife, everyone was talking about the “Billy Graham Rule.”

Lots of the commenters didn’t seem to like the rule. It’s sexist, they said, or they argued that it was outdated to the way we live and work today. I disagree. And while my wife, Erin, and I don’t follow Dr. Graham’s “rule” to the letter, we’ve incorporated its spirit into our own lives.

I know the “Greg Smalley Guideline” doesn’t have quite the same ring as the “Billy Graham Rule.” But I hope that how Erin and I handle this really ticklish topic might help you, too.

Are opposite-sex friendships OK?

Check out Hebrews 10:24-25 (NIV): “And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another — and all the more as you see the Day approaching,”

Here’s another, from Paul’s first letter to the Thessalonians (5:11): “Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.”

God wants us to have friends. He wants us to be in relationship with one another. And I believe that can include opposite-sex friendships. But those friendships should come with some pretty important stipulations.

First, those friendships shouldn’t be close friendships — the sort of friendships that entail a lot of one-on-one contact or where you’re sharing intimate details of your life with each other. That can get you into trouble in a hurry. Opposite-sex friendships should be casual friendships: Your time together is infrequent and, when you do see each other, you are guided by strong boundaries that your spouse and you have previously agreed to (see below).

Second — and really, this should go without saying — those friendships should be completely out in the open. No secrets. No sneaking or skulking around. If you’re hiding a relationship from your spouse, that should set off some serious alarms.

Third, not only should your spouse know, your spouse should bless the friendship. You need to give your husband or wife a relational trump card. If they feel like the relationship is a problem, then guess what: It is. Never tell your spouse that he or she is paranoid or jealous. Don’t shut the conversation down. Talk it through. And if the friendship is a problem, you should end it immediately. If you can’t end it — if you and your friend have to work together — set some strong boundaries that you and your spouse agree on.

These aren’t easy conversations to have with your spouse. It’s easy to become angry, defensive or dismissive. And trust me, I know all about how these talks can go wrong.

An example from our marriage

Twice in our marriage, Erin has come to me with concerns about my friendships with female co-workers (neither of whom worked at Focus on the Family, by the way). And frankly, I responded defensively both times.

“Don’t you trust me?” I asked her. “What do you think I am, an idiot?”

I interpreted her concern as an indictment on me. She doubts my integrity, I thought. And a lot of spouses respond in a similarly defensive way. They either take the concerns personally or they place all the blame on the other person, calling him or her jealous, controlling or paranoid. All that insecurity, blame and defensiveness leads to even more relational disconnect, and oftendr-greg-smalley

just like it did for Erin and me. And that only reinforced Erin’s concern and fear.

If your spouse raises concerns, you might think about it this way: You can be a great driver, but it still doesn’t hurt to have a car with antilock brakes. You can be a talented woodworker, but you should still wear safety glasses when you’re working with a lathe. And it’s the same with opposite-sex friendships — safety first. Erin needed some extra assurance that I dismissed in that moment.

Eventually, we were able to sit down and really talk about the issue. I put aside my defensiveness and was able to sincerely hear what Erin was telling me. From that conversation, I was able to talk about having some good, strong boundaries with women at work.

Some guidelines for opposite-sex friendships

I’ve mentioned the word “boundaries” a couple of times already. Just what exactly do those boundaries look like in opposite-sex friendships? Consider the following:

Make your relationship with your spouse your priority

No relationship — even the one you share with your husband or wife — can be your “everything.” No one person can fill every relational need. But tending to the friendship you have with your spouse should take precedence over every other relationship you have outside the family.

Cultivate and maintain your same-sex friendships

Those should make up your closest, most rewarding friendships.

Build shared social networks with your spouse

Invite your opposite-sex friend to dinner, along with his or her spouse or a guest. Go to baseball games together. Instead of nurturing a friendship with a woman or man outside of your marriage, better to befriend a couple, where you can all get together to share life and companionship.

Be careful about your interactions

Don’t take an opposite-sex work colleague out to lunch alone, and never take a business trip with only him or her if you can help it. If you can’t avoid those situations, build some strong boundaries. If you’re interacting with an opposite-sex friend or colleague online, make sure there’s a legitimate reason for the communication.

To be blunt, I don’t think you have any business “casually” texting the opposite sex. If I’m trying to banter or joke, I always make it a point to include others and make it a group text. That’s just being safe.

Take honest stock of yourself

Be aware of your own weaknesses and vulnerabilities, and heed warning signs that this friendship might be veering into dangerous waters. For instance, do you ever fantasize about your “friend”? Are you exchanging highly personal information with him or her? Are you hiding the relationship in some way — deleting texts so your spouse won’t see them?

Set guidelines for how you should behave around members of the opposite sex

Ask these questions:

• How do you feel about opposite-sex friendships in our marriage? How might they be appropriate and helpful? What would make them inappropriate?
• How do you feel about opposite-sex relationships at work? How might these be different from outside-of-work friendships?
• When interacting with the opposite sex, what are your expectations for me (i.e., off-limit places, inappropriate topics, how often I spend time with that person, etc.)? What are your expectations with opposite-sex work relationships?
• What rules do you feel are important to have in an opposite-sex friendship? At work? Outside of work?

The spirit behind these guidelines is important, and you should incorporate that spirit into your marriage. No friendship — new or old — is worth damaging your relationship with your spouse.